


you were all that you were (were you all you could be?)

by cloudypaws



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Daisy Johnson is Not Okay, Gen, Skye | Daisy Johnson Feels, Skye | Daisy Johnson Needs a Hug, Skye | Daisy Johnson-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-16 19:14:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28587030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudypaws/pseuds/cloudypaws
Summary: "Agent Johnson.""Yeah Mack?"He offers her a proud smile. "Good work today."She moves the muscles that make the corners of her mouth turn upwards to match. "Thanks."--Coulson and Fitz are gone, Jemma and May aren't okay, and Mack is overwhelmed.And Daisy isfine.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 77





	you were all that you were (were you all you could be?)

**Author's Note:**

> Did I write this because I just binged 3 episodes of Euphoria in a row (side not do NOT recommend for anyone here who's younger bc it's very graphic but gosh I'm rewatching it rn bc the cinematography is GORGEOUS and the writing and acting is so RAW and askdjgdksgd film major Holly is _quaking _) or did I write this because things just... really kind of suck rn. And I sort of just have to pretend that I'm fine and everything's okay.__
> 
> lol idk man das for u to decide 
> 
> (This is literally just a poorly written vent fic lmao uhhh-)
> 
> Title is from the song "The Wolf" by Manchester Orchestra.
> 
> Set between seasons 5 and 6 - so major/minor spoilers for that?

"Agent Johnson."

"Yeah Mack?"

He offers her a proud smile. "Good work today."

She moves the muscles that make the corners of her mouth turn upwards to match. "Thanks."

Her voice sounds hollow in her own ears, but it passes. Mack doesn't suspect a thing - he nods and turns to address another agent and Daisy doesn't let herself linger on that strange feeling in her chest that reminds her of the days they'd flop on the couch and play Call of Duty or the times he'd give her life advice or how his hugs feel warm and safe and how she'd _kill_ for one right now; he's got other things to worry about now that he's the Director of SHIELD, he's got bigger responsibilities and she's just being selfish.

She puts him behind her, taking quick strides down the hall, all the while keeping that smile on her face and making sure it reaches her eyes whenever she sees someone.

She is especially conscious of her smile when she turns the corner and spots May. It's only been a week since Coulson passed, and she knows, even if May won't show it, that Coulson's absence is deafeningly persistent for her, that every little thing on the base is an excruciating reminder that he isn't coming back. May offers her a weak smile, but Daisy knows she's not okay, that she's barely holding it together while trying to be everything for everyone else.

"Hey," she greets her mother figure, softening her smile. "How are you doing?"

"Fine," May says, but her voice is strained and tired; it's subtle, but Daisy knows her well enough to know that she's struggling.

Daisy subconsciously packs away any flicker of grief she feels and pulls out the pieces of herself that are strong enough for May. "Really," she says, swallowing the lump rising in her throat. "How _are_ you?"

May's smile drops, just for a moment. "I'm managing." Daisy nods, and that's when May asks, "how about _you_?"

"I'm fine," she tells her, and she heightens her pitch to make her tone light even though her shoulders are starting to feel a bit heavy and her chest is starting to hurt.

And May just nods, and it's a look of understanding in her eyes that Daisy is able to read as _I know you're not and you know where to find me._ But May just lost the love of her life, and she only had a few weeks at most to truly be with him, and besides she's known Coulson way longer than Daisy has. Daisy can't let herself crack in front of her, she can't give her anything else to worry about.

God, she's put this poor woman through enough shit as it is. From turning on her in Afterlife way back when she first became an Inhuman, then Hive, and then her vigilante days as Quake, the very least she could do now was be her support system and not give her anything else to worry about.

"Really," she reassures her, and maybe if she says it enough she can convince herself as well.

May doesn't buy it, but she doesn't push it either. "Simmons is in the lab," she tells her, quickly changing the subject. "She was looking for you."

Daisy nods and squashes the selfish part of her that aches at the thought of keeping this up any longer. "I'll be sure to head down," she tells her, and May just gives her one last grieving smile before they part ways.

And Daisy's vision grows watery for just a moment before she blinks it away, taking in a deep breath to calm the storm again, to push it back into its designated spot deep in the depths of her mind, to lock it back up for just a _little bit longer, just hold on for a little bit longer-_

She finds Jemma in the lab and she's pacing back and forth, her brow furrowed. And the sound of Daisy's knuckle rapping against the doorframe jolts her out of her thoughts and a string of science words stream out of her lips so fast that Daisy can't keep up.

Her eyes are starting to flood and Daisy can't take it, _she can't take it if she cries_ -

"Hey," she cuts her off, leaning casually against the table. "Take a deep breath."

Jemma does, and blinks away the tears. "I'm sorry," she whispers, and Daisy takes her pain and shoves it back in its corner. "I just-"

"I know," Daisy murmurs, and she does.

Jemma bites the inside of her cheek and drops her gaze.

"We'll find Fitz," Daisy promises, and she crosses her arms over her chest to hide the way her hands tremble at the mere mention of his name. She offers the biochemist a comforting smile even though her heart starts racing and she can _feel his scalpel digging into her neck-_

"Thank you," Jemma murmurs. "It means a lot that you're willing to help."

"Whatever it takes," Daisy reassures her, and the way Jemma smiles back makes it worth it.

_It's worth it,_ she tells herself as she excuses herself because one more minute of this was going to make her crack.

_It's worth it,_ she tells herself as she quickens her pace down the hall.

_It's worth it,_ she tells herself as she passes Elena and presses her lips together in some semblance of a smile, trying to stay civil after their fight but _it's not the same anymore_ -

_It's worth it, it's worth it, it's worth it-_

As soon as her door is shut behind her, her smile drops right off her face and the hole in her chest rips itself open.

She exhales a shaky, shallow breath she doesn't realize she was holding and slides down her door, resting her chin on her knees and staring unseeingly across her bunk, and all of the grief she felt and everyone else's pain that she's bottled away with it comes spilling out and _nothing is the same anymore, nothing will ever be the same again, she's never felt so alone in her life and as a former orphan that's saying something-_

But _she can't be sad, she can't be sad_ , because Mack just became director of SHIELD and has to live up to expectations and manage a massive government organization with little to no real guidance, and May just lost the love of her life and she only had a tiny fraction of time to spend with him before he was gone, and Fitz and Simmons keep getting ripped apart from each other and that's not fair and now Jemma's grieving and pouring all of her energy into getting him back so Daisy can't be sad-

And besides, she's fallen apart so many times already and this team has been her lifeline, and she's cracked and broken before and abandoned them and they didn't deserve that, and she owes it to them to be there for them, she has to be strong for all of them, she's selfish, she's selfish, she's selfish-

But Coulson was gone. The man she'd come to see as her father figure - who loved her through her good and her bad, who gave her _everything_ and made her into _someone -_ was gone, and with everything that had gone on she'd barely been able to savor her time with him. They'd jumped from one catastrophic event to the next with barely any time to breathe and all the while _he didn't even tell her he was dying until he was barely alive anymore_ -

And May understands, she really does, but Daisy can't talk to her about anything because it wouldn't be fair to dump it all on her, she's grieving too, hell she's grieving more than she is, but _all Daisy wants is her mother-_

And Fitz is gone too, he was gone before he died really, and Daisy would never have any closure from what he'd done to her, what one of her _best friends had done to her-_

And she certainly couldn't talk to Jemma about it because _that's her husband, she just lost her husband_ -

And Mack's busy, he's overwhelmed, he's doing his best, he's got _bigger things to worry about than his agent feeling a little sad-_

And Elena and her never talked it out after their fight and she misses her friend, she just wants her friend back, but _we didn't pick you_ -

And Daisy's got to be there for everyone. She's got to be able to be the best agent she can be for Mack, and she's got to be there for May, she needs to be strong for Jemma. Daisy can't give them anything else to worry about, so she packs away her grief and trauma and pain into a tiny little box and shoves it away in the back of her mind and she's everything for everyone.

But every night, when she returns to her bunk, when everything finally bubbles up to the surface, she has the sinking feeling that she's never been enough in the first place.


End file.
